Dark nights do things to me that I can’t explain when I sit by the wall and scream your name the hue of silence surround me and I faze.
I wish I was stronger to fight this feeling that overpowers me I wish I knew what it means but I am a mere girl with big dreams and hopes and I can’t let go of the fear of letting you go,
So as the moon shines bright from the clouds and when the silence takes over the streets I think of doing things that I shouldn’t and I wouldn’t as you are there on the other side of the chatbox keeping me alive saying “you are beautiful” every time I speak and I get… soaked with the blood that riots in my veins , soaked with the ghosts of the past that lingers in my brain and I do things that I shouldn’t and I hope I wouldn’t but I do it.
I do it everyday, every moment I get time that pushes you away and away but I don’t mean it
It is just the demons in my soul grabbing me whole from the neck and swarm of bees in my stomach wanting me to eat you whole and I speak…I speak the words that slice your jaws and I speak the words that dice your eyes and I speak the words that burns US alive and US who we call goals and US who we have faith and US which is so pure is dead.
I am sorry for the pain I cause
I am sorry for the moments I have lost
I am sorry for the love that is gone.
Dark nights do things to me that I can’t explain when I sit by the wall and scream your name the hue of silence surround me and I faze.
If you know me which I don’t guess you do but hypothetically if you know me you would know I am obsessed with working and learning. When I stepped into college I was super excited to join many internships and clubs but when I saw the curriculum I was done first give semesters, tests, submit assignments and them do an internship no no my brain l, body and soul cannot handle it (my intestine as well) when an year passed I woke up from my slumber and logged in to my college website mainly because I was bored then there was it highlighted in beautiful color of blue like that of the sky, placed on the top of the notice list was my break, my everything, my one shot at productivity, a virtual internship with the best Ad company in the country and hell yeah I grabbed it.
More I scrolled down to the ReleaseMyAd Website more excited I got and my dreams were reaching the sky as I clicked registered but then I got rejected.
You’re shocked as well, Diksha Shree Tiwari got rejected!!? I don’t know this word so I tried again not underestimating the internship this time and then after praying to the seven Gods, old Gods and New, lighting up thousands 1000 incense sticks and doing everything possible I got selected.
The waiting period was long (2 weeks to be exact) and more I waited more nervous I got.
Then the D-Day arrived my first day at Virtual Internship at ReleaseMyAd was beautiful beyond amazing. I learned so much on the first day and it did made me realize that practical knowledge is much important than just reading the books.
I get weekly tasks which in the deadline I need to finish and as I finish them I get points and those points decide my level in my batch. I also get mentorship lessons by the awesome mentors. The tasks are very friendly and are super easy and quick, something so simple and amazing can get you so much knowledge it was beautiful.
I want to thank ReleaseMyAd for giving me a platform and also I recommend this Virtual Internship to everyone who is too busy for field work and too productive for college books.
brb while I scream my way up to the top.
Trust me it is the best Certified Virtual Internship
Ever dreamed of breaking into a flash mob of synchronised dance moves and people join in and it lit well no!!
the truth is that it is mega embarrassing and not a joke but if you want to become a joke sure go ahead get those moves on and dance like nobody is watching but quiet literally THE WHOLE WORLD IS LOOKING AT YOU AND JUDGING YOU.
Questions might arise that why would something as light as public dancing and shooting a video will get you kicked out my answer is because people cannot handle other people having fun!
I did a bit of public dancing myself back in the day (yesterday) it was fun and all but I wasn’t able to look people in the eye after I was done and also I got kicked out so like wasn’t much of an experience.
Another point about public dancing is that it depends on the people, if you’re a fleet of dancer well respected and you’re parents are proud of your dancing career (cue the sarcasm) then you can dance wherever you want butt if you’re a bunch of fat teens trying to have fun the eyes will be on you and you will get emotionally scarred by all the stares.
When I started my public dancing I made my rule that I will not look people in the eye and just go about it but it isn’t like that you somehow look people in the eye and boom goes the dynamite you have a feeling of melting off and basically you want the ground to eat you up.
Don’t look at me
What are you looking at?
Bumps on my cheek or slit on my lips
The flawed eyes or crooked the smile
Don’t look so close
You might see the torments of my brain
The emptiness of my soul
Or the questions in my mind
You might see that I am longing for you day and night
You will see that I am alone, alone at all times.
I don’t want to let you know that I love you and miss you when you’re gone.
So look away before it’s too late
Look away before you start hating me for being me
Look away before I force you to be mine.
Don’t look so closely or you might found out the truth in my lies
Or the secrets that lie under my lips
Or the tears trying to sneak out of my eyes
So before the time slips
Look away and never look back
Or I will push you away
Hello, How are you?
Do you care that I miss you?
You went away and didn’t look back
Like I was a piece of trash
How selfish can you be?
Achieving your happily ever after
While I cry daily
Your favourite show was airing tonight,
I smiled at your behalf
The comedian was making political jokes that only you can get,
That’s when I missed you dearly.
I cry at nights, sometimes at day
Only to understand that you ain’t coming back.
Did you get my texts, calls or emails?
Probably not because they are left unanswered.
I told you things that nobody knows,
Things that I am not very proud of but you couldn’t care less.
It feels like I am talking to myself, like posting a blog that nobody reads,
like shooting an arrow at no goal, like speaking to the ghosts.
Why is that?
Do you hate me now?
Forgot all the times we spent,
How you named me after a Goddess
Or how you taught me how to walk
You do remember how I cried on the floor after you went away
Because you don’t care
You are the one who got away.
I wonder what happened after they burnt your body
I wonder who is beside you now
Giving you medicines each night or making you a tea each day.
It is just that I miss you when I am alone and surrounded by people but all of those faces is not yours,
Because you’re gone never to come back,
You selfish man!
You probably know about AIESEC, probably you don’t but read this out if you want to know how an organization can change an individual’s life.
It was a slow month of July when I got into college and started hating it! I hated every part about the college and its people; the only hope was good education and probability of having great friends. One fine day, a group of individuals walked into my classroom and started talking about an organization which can possibly change my life; I heard them, nodded and kept my head down.
That day when I came back home I googled “AIZEC”, then what opened fascinated me to the extreme and I decided to sign up because I had nothing to do that semester.
If, by any chance, you follow me while I whine on this web space you would know how big my dreams were and when I wasn’t able to achieve them I thought to myself, I am going to be grateful for what I have and embrace what I get. In that process of embracing I joined AIESEC.
In my pretentious head, I was sure that I will get selected. I kept saying to myself, “they will be losing if they didn’t select me” so I walked in the day of recruitments like a boss, ready to sign up but there was more…
The selection process was stringent, I found out that over 400 students signed up for this and were to go through three tier process hearing that my brain exploded.
A simple organization, where people were finding recruits like scavengers has a three tier selection process, you got to be kidding me. I just signed up for the biggest bait of my life where I threw my rupees hundred down the drain. I laughed on the professional wannabees, rolled my eyes and sat back.
“Want to come at Diksha Shree Tiwari? Come at me, boo!” I said and made my first friend of AIESEC while waiting under the scorching heat of the sun (I was wearing a fancy top and mascara).
Long story short, I got selected and was overwhelmed about it, not that I didn’t anticipated it but when most of my friends were receiving messages of ‘not selected’ I was questioning myself.
Day one of AIESEC was nothing like I expected it to be, not that I expected anything but still it was great. People were dancing, mingling, saying different things, there were roll-calls and smiles, and I loved it. I looked around with my blurry vision (of course I wasn’t wearing my glasses) and absolutely loved it. They told me about AIESEC and in my head I changed my attitude already; from a pretentious and whiny teen I wanted to become a strong, independent individual. People of my age were standing in front of me delivering their speeches and that motivated to the fullest.
That was the kind of impact AIESEC had on me on its day one and I was just getting started.
Through AIESEC I had to go to schools for appointments and it made me feel so strong and happy, I use to talk to principals and heads like I was some professional. Outside I was speaking with full impact but inside I was peeing myself, the good part about it was nobody found out.
Apart from all the independence that it gave me, AIESEC also gave me a bunch of friends, like a bunch of friends and I cannot thank enough for it. On this day, I have many friends, I walk in my college and people wave me from all sides, there is confetti blown on my face and carpet are laid for me, I am that level of popular (a little exaggeration). And also I gained many Instagram followers so like… I am not complaining.
I am not saying AIESEC journey was an easy one, there were times when I failed but those were the times I learned.
I learned that not all autowallas are not thieves, some are good.
I learned that I should be more grateful and thankful for what I have.
I learned that leaving at 7 PM for a 7:30 PM appointment is always a mistake.
I learned how to deal with strangers, I learned how trust random people and most of all I learned how to write a good E-MAIL (still have no idea how to write letter of intent).
There was times when I had no clue what I was doing so I turned to my trusted friend, Google.
One time, randomly I texted my Team Leader that I wanted a holiday, she said follow the protocol and write an email about the application. So first I googled the meaning of ‘Protocol’ and then I googled ‘how to right an application for an organization who doesn’t care about my existence’, it was easy.
There are many things that I haven’t experienced in AIESEC but I am always ready to experience more. I didn’t go to any of the conferences because parents didn’t allow but I wait for the day when I will go and live the AIESEC Way.
Anyways, the truth is that the kind of impact AIESEC as an organization had on me nothing can top that. No matter how long my father’s lectures are, no matter how taunting my mother may be but AIESEC is imprinted on my soul (woah that was dreamy) and I have changed my ways to be the AIESEC Way.
For me AIESEC is not an organization it is a community, which does everything together and welcomes everyone with open arms.
SHOUTOUT TO AIESEC IN LUCKNOW| INDIA
P.s- if anybody wants to go an international internship, do not hesitate to ask me.
12th October 2016, I went to a party “the party is going to be lit” I heard them all saying. I actually fought many factors to be there because I wanted to party so badly, I wanted to dance like nobody was watching and actually live the day to the fullest but I did something really wrong I didn’t, I didn’t dance like nobody was watching, I didn’t live that day to the fullest instead I checked out my Twitter feed and thought to myself why can’t I loosen up?
There were many answers that came into my head none were accurate but still here there are:
I was wearing an almost backless dress and knowing me I knew the chances of wardrobe malfunction was at its highest, so I couldn’t dance. I cannot even walk from booth to another without thinking that my entire inner love is on the show and men are basking in its glory, I had thick insecurity issues that day. I did tucked in my gut for a while but holding the breath and dancing is a tough job.
I also thought of that creepy guy who was looking at me way too much, maybe I was hallucinating and it was all just me but I can swear he was looking at me and if it weren’t of his eye balls I would’ve danced that day.
The DJ was so crappy I almost wanted to throw a tissue paper on his face, the reason that I wasn’t able to loosen up. If he were playing a little Beyonce I would’ve showed the club who the real thang is and who can twerk for days. But Beyonce wasn’t playing and I wasn’t dancing.
Four hours later, I was still glued to my seat checking my phone again and again, I didn’t even had data that was reason right there to let my phone go but I couldn’t.
My friends did come to get so I did the classic on the dance floor:
And subtly moon walking out of the dance floor.
After a while, I was a liability to my friends so I went to stuff my face still thinking why can’t I reflect my inner goddess to the world, are there people not lucky enough to see my moves? Yeah that could be it.
I also considered taking a glass full of vodka; though I am against the belief “drinks make you who you are” I considered it. Honestly, I am stupid enough without drinks, my decisions are still questionable. I can jump off the roof while sober. I can turn into Shakira in a matter of five seconds (my hips do not lie). I know all the hit songs still the dance floor will never see me moving.
There is always a thought that maybe my bra strap is showing or my skirt is flying and if you are wearing jeans it feels like, the jeans will fall off! So you might as well sit tight!
It is like there an eye looking at you judging you, she will talk about you when you are gone or make fun of you, and the lingering thought is not good enough. It blocks your personality and I don’t want that.
The realization that “maybe I am not a fun person anymore” screws you hundred times over.
After sitting four hours in a club I got out and first thing my friend did was corrected my bra strap which was seeing the outside world. Like really, you were out! And because of it I didn’t get up and danced.
Anyways, who sees the bra strap in a dark club?
Next time, I will dance like that creepy guy is blind.
I will dance like the music isn’t bad or I can slap the DJ to play better music .
And most of all, I will wear flats.
Our dad was here, the real one not the fake one, what a blunder. We were in great trouble we knew it and when I saw it on my sister’s face it was clear that she was thinking the same thing as me.
He came in and sat, looked at us and shook his head like secretly telling the teachers that “it is there daily job to let me down why are you wasting your time”. The atmosphere was thick, thicker than any R.D Sharma book there is and I was sweating like a hooker in a church (there was actually a church in that college).
So the White Poison started speaking and the words she spoke still echo in the back of my head, she was speaking some utter nonsense. The judgment was drawn from the three hour meeting she had with my sister and three meeting shouting match she had with me, which were purely wrong by the way.
She was saying our future was hazy and we were about to bring shame to our household, it was a grave offence which we did today and even the jail will not accept us, we brought sully to our parents, the school we go to, the nation the world and the entire human race, which was weird to me because there were girls from this premises who were wrapped with their thirty year boyfriends just outside the gates and we just crashed a party.
After thirty minutes, when she was done with vomiting the poison, my dad was done nodding and we were done crying. Our dad looked at us and nodded, we were feeling bad that why we always bring him to this position and we always let him down. We don’t want to, but it happens we always make stupid mistake and he suffers because of us, he is always seated on the other end of the table only to listen to what we did wrong not what we did right. All through school we never gave him that opportunity and I am sorry.
Anyways, the meeting was over with dad being really hurt and White Poison was basking on her egoistic glory, she kept saying that “I wanted them to learn a lesson after this mistake”. My question was and still is: what lesson? My rebel sis just came to the wrong college that is all, and if we really think about it is wrong to come, trespass, walk in whatever you call it but she was sorry and there were other girls who crashed as well, where were they.
The real world really is crooked, if you don’t get caught you did nothing wrong.
Dad drove us home without saying anything, our week was ruined. Mom opened the door started yelling with a little featuring by my grandmother who cannot usually speak when dealing with a crisis but when it comes to bashing she is omnipresent.
After many hours the bashing was over we relaxed but next part of bashing was about to come by our father.
As we were mentally preparing for the bashing part two one phone call brought our screws together, the Backstabber’s Mother called because apparently we were shaming her daughter and telling the world that she is a backstabber, she is a backstabber but it wasn’t right for her mother, which was again new to me because whenever I am wrong my mother never ever defends me plus she hits me. She wasn’t getting hit and getting defended as well, where did she sign up for that. Anyways the call was over and my Rebel Sis had a list to make as to how many people snubbed her today, she was just done when the backstabber’s mom and the backstabber showed up at our place.
Let me give you a little history about the backstabber’s mom she was our high school teacher and my class teacher which was ultra disastrous. I was out of high school but not completely though; in my head I still was afraid of her, I still never drank water in class cause I knew from somewhere she will scold me. So, the student in my heart did the most practical thing anyone would do, I hid in the bathroom like the coward that I am. I had absolutely nothing to do with the whole episode but still I was hiding like I always do in any tensed situation.
As today’s episode was too much to take for my delicate mom she was mediating at the time when the backstabber’s mom showed up and which adult was left to tackle the whole situation my grandmother. While speaking to the Mom my grandmother had no idea what is happening but she was speaking, because speaking is important n matter what the situation is.
The backstabber’s mom talked about my Rebel Sis conduct she was speaking about how she made the tea, the Mom was talking about the college she was talking about which TV show she watches, it was funny but still I was hiding so I didn’t care much.
Meantime, I was on my knees praying that a fight don’t break and the, volcano don’t erupt and Beyonce’s Hold Up comes on Youtube. The only way to know what was going outside was my source, my little bird, my maid who was running around the house, I called her to me and asked what is happening outside, she said “nothing”, I sighed, but that nosey bitch asked to me “is there anything suppose to happen” she wagged her eyebrows I shut her out, no feeding the gossip. The pride of Tiwari household was on my shoulders.
The atmosphere outside was really calm as my sister was done successful in explain what actually went down, the backstabber was done explain it wasn’t her fault that she got caught, which we don’t believe but all was okay. Both the probable backstabber and her mother ate laddus and went away.
My mother still was mediating oblivious to whatever happened outside. She came out we told her everything she was mad but when is she not mad?
Dad was hurt and he still taunts us about it but we gave him some time and…
All was again good.
Wednesday, 11th August.
I was watching suicide squad like no one is watching, as I sipped coke from my neighbors’ cup when she was too engrossed in the movie a vibration in my pants made my eyes widen, I put back the and started introspecting currently action scene was going on, do I get turn on by fighting? No. Then what was this amazing vibration? Then I realized it was my phone. I switched it off and continued watching.
When I got out of the cinema I looked into my phone, there were twenty missed calls all by my elder sister. I wasn’t alarmed at all, I knew she called because she wanted some food from the outside world but I was wrong. Twenty-first time she called I picked up, annoyed but she sounded scared, she was crying.
She told me that she is in some office, “dental office” I heard but she shouted and discovered it was principal’s office.
I knew exactly what she had done!
Before starting the anecdote let me give you a little prequel to the whole situation.
So my bold and rebel sister went to this college fresher’s party where she wasn’t a student, it is safe to say that she crashed the party. She wasn’t even remotely related to the college apart from being rejected from that institute.
Anyways, she went in thinking that the thug life chose her but she got caught by some random traitor hoe which landed her into huge dramatic trouble.
And here the story starts. Since, I am not a snitch imma take no names (I am also a coward) I am going to introduce you to the characters.
Rebel sis- my elder sister who likes to play games with the arrangement.
White poison- the principal of the office who was so white she was about to file a lawsuit.
Backstabber- the girl who got her into trouble
Backstabber’s mom- who was also our teacher back in high school
Yin Yan friend- my sister’s best friend
Almost Yan friend- my sister’s best friend two
Fake dad- who stepped up for her
Real dad- who stepped on her
Mom- who cried
Me- who was finding words to write this blog while the drama was unfolding.
When I got to the college I already found her friends waiting outside for me I reached to them and found out the intensity of the situation. My rebel sis was in some real crap she dug a hole for herself and she was constantly falling in it.
Here I present before you the golden well polished lies my rebel sis told the white poison:
- Our parents were separated.
- My mother lives elsewhere.
- We live with our dad.
- Our dad is irresponsible.
- We suffer a lot at home.
- You are adopted(wait, she told me this lie)
My brain exploded, these were not only terrible lies but were bad omens too, oh god! I did a little prayer to the God above and wished for these bad omens to have no effect on us, my eyes were closed and I was chanting some words when one of her friend snapped.
It was my time to go inside and win her freedom for her. She was inside since morning and it was already three hours, I wanted an out for her. Silently, I thought about the time I threw the get out of jail card in the dustbin (this is all karma).
As I reached the office I was welcomed by my crying sister and very furious (or boiling) white poison.
I entered and started yelling about how she kept her captive and how this is unfair and how my little sister is not a threat to the school and how Friends is different from How I Met Your Mother but that white poison had a strong voice box she started shouting louder than me. I backed off, I strive for peace! (I chickened out)
Anyways, as I was continuing the stories of how my parents cannot come, my sister murmured dad is coming, I remembered how her friends were talking about a fake dad, and a fake dad was coming.
And the peon declared arrival of a dad…yes our fake dad is here.
It was our real dad.
…to be continued.
When I was thirteen the bobbling ideas in my brain had to make an escape thus an idea hit me “I should have a blog!” but the idea was put on hold as I didn’t have internet in my house as my parents were paranoid that it may spoil me (as if I wasn’t secretly spoiled) .
Internet was a bad investment for my parents we had bills to pay then, we still have bills to pay, seems like bills never end.
When my twelfth grade was over I was persistent of having a blog.
I whipped out my astrologer’s books all the Vedas lie in front of me, I meditated and studied the stars; the Almighty came in my head ,whispered in my ears sixth of April he said is the holy date.
It was decided.
I told my dad I need it to find colleges, I told him I won’t watch porn (a total lie) and I told him it is really very cheap. Maybe the third point got to him and the internet guy was called.
Just like me, my sister and my mother were exhilarated with the idea of having internet connection. I remember the day we called the lad, young guy of twenty-two, hot and smart in front of whom three females were ready to sell property to get the connection. I already planned to ruin my modem then call him again and again.
He had a small chat, asked us how we were? Enchanted we replied to every question. In the mist of his perfume and black locks we signed up for the plan which was out of our budget. When he handed me the bill I was ashamed I wasn’t able to see myself in the mirror, what have I done? An internet bill that is out of our budget, we will be slaughtered.
And we did got slaughtered when dad arrived we had a war it was three versus the one.
Mom and sister backed off, they gave up saying we only have Whatsapp to operate you can alter the plan (my sister watches Superwoman on Youtube on a daily basis while my mother watches cookery shows). All the blame was on me they said Diksha has to blog she needs the internet, the treachery is a subject to treason I thought but still had to nod. My dad said “What are you doing? Don’t act like an American, what is this blogging blogging what is this writing” he said (in English it sounds better but in Hindi it wasn’t, it made me cry) he thought a while and said no internet connection. Diksha if you want to write, write on a piece of paper don’t care about blogging it’s not real.
We started wailing then my sister in shining amour came forth and said I will pay the internet bill…one fourth of it she later added, but still it was enough for the bargain.
Next day twenty people were swarming my house and joining the internet connection I was sleeping dreaming about Drake so my sister had the responsibility of getting connected to the internet goodness.
But that wasn’t the end of it my stupid sister forgot that the computer needs to be connected to the internet for the blogging to work, the computer wasn’t connected. The blog was delayed once more.
The internet guy was called again made him fix the internet he did some connection and went away this time the hot twenty four didn’t show up only some grumpy middle aged (I don’t why God likes to play games with me).
That day I was super excited I will blog from tomorrow I said to myself went down to play badminton went upstairs and I heard my grandmother shouting, “fire fire!” I ran and saw my maid putting out the fire.
The fire was because of the plug of the modem it caught fire because of overheating or some electronics physics I didn’t understand all I understood was I was in deep trouble.
My mother again pushed me under the bus, I looked back at my history and apparently I was adopted (apparently!).
My pissed dad looked at me, my obsession with blogging got us here, he said stop this you American wannabe but I couldn’t stop I fought my dad that night cried a river and finally next day the internet guy was gain called.
Again the situation was fixed and again I was happy but my room was turned into a wire-ly mess.
The holy date came I was ready to blog this day, I took my pile of papers on which my writing were written I chose the best for the first.
I was wearing rubber slipper just in case the computer gives a shock, my sister was ready with the fire extinguisher and when the computer screen showed connected to the internet we sighed, the computer was surprised though finally it had a reason to live.
First thing I ever Googled was wordpress.com and got started.
I Ctrl+c and Ctrl+v my writing chose templates an eye always on the plug, my mother telling me to be careful my sister telling me to download a song, the hysteria growing and then I hit post.
Hitting post to my first ever blog was the best feeling. I had a reason to wake up every day now.
Three months in, The Brain of Chintu is still over flowing with thoughts, I still wear rubber slippers but my blog fully fledged.