I am the Problem

Hello I am a teenager from India; I have big dreams but less courage to achieve them.

I spent all my life just dreaming the dreams that I will once achieve and I believe that I will but the crash of reality stopped me and then I stopped trying. I am cowardice, awkward and lost. Why I am like this I am not really sure about that, but I as far as I can remember I was always like this and made efforts to change it but always took a step back and made myself believe that whatever is happening is okay, sad is okay.

I am a smart person but I always underestimate myself, I have all the resources in the world but I am lazy, I have all the support there is but I have a habit of not believing in my dream and working for it.

If I want I can change my lifestyle just by making some changes in my head but my head is always blank, how can you erase something that you never wrote?

I try to think and think and it seems like I am always thinking but I cannot decipher what is wrong I just call myself stupid and that is the end of it.

Am I mad?

Really?

That could be possible considering my activities and how I take almost a minute to make out what the next person is saying, I also zone out sometimes and fail to recognize the intentions of others.

I trust the untrustworthy and cannot trust someone who deserves to be trusted.

I fear rejections and disappointment; I care what other people think of me and this is eating me up and I cannot get off the shackles of it.

What is this?

What is this feeling?

The feeling that someone is always talking about me or laughing at me, the feeling that I am a joke or I am good at nothing.

Why am I like this? does it even matter?

My grades are okay, I guess that is all right.

People do try to help me and fix me up but I shoo them away, I am strong independent woman I don’t need them.

I want to do so many good things in the world but I am doing absolutely nothing to achieve them. A bucket list is sitting on my shelf eating dust but I am still at my home watching YouTube.

I have friends but none who want me.

I cry a lot, I don’t know why I cry a lot. I am an emotional person, people call me emotionally strong but am I?

This is not strong; breaking down in front of the strangers just because they said no is not strong. I wish I had a mask that hid my tears.

I joined a class which can help me but it is not helping me, I am still the same and I am still a coward. I want to make some changes so badly. The present life is making no sense to me; I sleep all day and think all night.

I know I will wake up one day and everything will be fine but I wake up and I feel lower that the last day.

But I have to make a change and I will start by baby-steps

I have started taking baby-steps from the last few months and I believe I am kind of strong just kind of not the one I expect but the one that I am proud of.

I know how to turn everything negative to positive and I am practicing it, I hope one day I will become a person that I expect.

I am ready to make some changes in my head and this time I will make efforts for it. It is all in my head.

I will not blame anyone in the world but myself.

I am the problem and I will have to solve it.

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