I don’t know if you care about it but I have been going through a serious writer’s block, all my thought and visions are emptied and what is left behind is nothing a big pile of nothing, hence the difference of twelve days in the my blogs.
What is wrong with me you ask? It is just that my life is flipped upside down and whatever I had in my mind is not happening anymore.
Before I tell you the story of my topsy turvy life let me tell you a fact about my brain. I have a imaginative brain; the pros of this brain is that no moment for me is dull or sulky but the con is that I make situations in my head that will never come true but my denial makes me believe that it will and when it doesn’t I become really sad… really very sad.
One imagination that was embedded in my brain since I was 13 years old was that of being a writer and journalist. I always wanted to inspire people, make new friends and travel new places and beyond all of these teenage dreams I wanted to find truth, I wanted to go deep into all the aspects of society and find the real concrete truth and being a journalist and lady with a voice I was allowed to do that.
But that is not happening now!
What is happening is that I am doing bachelors in commerce from a college I always despised and staying in the city which I always wanted to leave, I will see same faces again and the dream of travelling is forgotten as my parents won’t allow.
All of this is happening because I am not selfish. A thing you should know that I am from a really small city where people all doctors, engineers or bankers, there not much detour in my city all give in to the structured learning to satisfy the nosey relatives, because of this the courses offered in journalism are not apt and are not enough for me to allow travelling the world and if I want to do journalism my parents will have to take a big loan to pay the hefty fees of the institution outside my city or even country.
It is not that I never tried; I did. I fought with my parents day and night, cried a river and ransacked the internet in order to find a scholarship but in the world where you don’t deserve shelter if you don’t get good marks that was not possible.
This may come out as a rant or venting out my frustration and that is okay, I wanted to rant; I wanted to blame anyone in my radius for my broken dreams. Because living with myself, my-not-a-journalism-self is hard and I just want to blame someone else for my misery.
I tried that too, I blamed my dad for not being a millionaire, I blamed myself for having such out of the league dreams, I blame institutions for not giving me a scholarship, I blamed the world for putting money to power.
I failed, just like I did previously.
I am currently in the middle position and it is hard place to be, my brain did not foresee this, it didn’t see me as a banker or whatever the heck commerce people do.
But it is okay, my dad is happy he keeps smiling, we will go for a dinner because whatever he wanted is happening and the college he loved the most accepted my shattered self and trust me seeing him smiling is enough.
Give and take, I want to spread happiness and I am doing that. All my friends are going to this college, this college has campus selection, and the college will land me a good job.
You know what? It is okay! I sighed and I feel okay now, thanks for reading my rant and my frustrated self. For many it came out like a brat complaining who doesn’t have enough courage to live her dreams and for many they just don’t care.
That too is okay for me, everything is okay now.
I am in a structure at least I know what I would do next.
I will find my niche just like I found my mother in the crowded market when I got lost, just like I found a perfect blouse for my farewell, just like I found Beyonce’s new album.
The dreams are put in a box in the upper shelf of the room and will be opened when the time will come but for now…I am okay, trust me.