But I try…

My city has exploded the result came out and almost everyone scored perfect marks, if not everyone all my cousins and neighbors did, the result caused parent’s taunts, more examples, and my wrecked self-esteem.
With the slivers of my dignity I sleep every day, questioning my entire existence, asking where I did wrong.
Reading success stories makes me cringe and shaking my head I ask myself: What am I doing with this life? The faces on the newspaper are unfamiliar to me as I will never be them the question remains, why? I work hard equally and almost have the same brain then what is lacking? Where is it lacking? Are my brain cells betraying me or my memory is seeping out of somewhere, is there something wrong with the way I read?
What is wrong with me? why am I not on the newspaper because in my dream land I have an Oscar and a noble prize, combined, given to me by God himself and I have a cute dog but in reality I don’t have any of those, not even an Oscar.
The feeling of standing in the corner while everyone cheers are well understood, whole country is chanting the names of the topper who will live a great life now and get free Mc Donald’s (hopefully) and I am here sitting in front of the computer trying to find Beyonce’s new album(where is it?)
You know when an artist is performing and the spotlight focuses on her and only her and then there is a human standing in the darkness away from all the attention and glory who is not even visible to the world; I am that human and I don’t how long till I make it to the spotlight or if I will make it or not. Maybe I will never get that glory, that applause and appreciation maybe I am just a human standing in the dark but I try…
Because lord Krishna said: “Don’t care about the outcome just do your Karma” and I am doing that
I am bad with grammar and spelling and depend totally upon Ms Word to correct it still I write and write.
My brain said I will never get 90 still I studied hard; I woke up every night to read the same book, the same page over and over again till it was embedded in my memory.
I will never go to New York, I don’t think so, still I am appearing for SATs maybe just maybe a stroke of luck will work on my side; every day I dream of the Empire State building and the busy streets before sleeping.
I always believe that it is the thought you concealed makes you who you are and which gives a minute long hope to live and flourish, yes the dark sky tells you not to fly but people still do fly and reach their destination, their niche.
When everything is going south I just close my eyes and plan a perfect day
I imagine every day, my life in New York in an apartment with a dog and, you know what, it makes me happy super happy and for a mere second I feel good.
I know I will never make my parents smile with pride but I try to crack some silly jokes, some vain hollow jokes, which makes no sense I try to make a funny face just to see my dad smile (he has the best smile, by the way, his smile lights up my world) but still I am not the reason for his smile, Kapil Sharma is, but one day I will make him smile I am determined.
Maybe I will never become a writer or will die trying but I wake up every day with a thought in my brain, write it down with a pencil in bad handwriting, get worried every time someone leaves a comment and actually shudder when I check the stats but I try.
If you are finding your Mr. Perfect and flirt shamelessly you are trying…
If you go to that shitty job daily in hopes you will become a CEO you are trying…
If you are breathing no matter what that MBBS holder stuck up doctor says about your health you are trying…
If you have cuts on your wrists but still you open your eyes every day you are trying…
And if you feel a little bit motivated after reading this you tried and succeeded.
I love you. x.

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13 comments

  1. keerat666 · May 11, 2016

    Truly deep .

    Like

  2. Ritik Jaiswal · May 16, 2016

    U see girl ur getting 90….u will write for Newyork Times nd will travel new countries every year 😉

    Like

  3. thatgirlwitharedscarf · May 17, 2016

    This is so gooooood! Chintu has a big brain!

    Like

  4. thewallandthem · May 24, 2016

    How old are you, love?

    Like

    • The Brain of Chintu · May 24, 2016

      17

      Like

      • thewallandthem · May 24, 2016

        How did them boards actually go? Not too good?

        Like

      • The Brain of Chintu · May 24, 2016

        Well i got 85 but they wont get me to anywhere so

        Like

      • thewallandthem · May 24, 2016

        What do you want to study? I have tons of friends who have less but they’re everywhere now. You see marks matter to only a certain level. The rest is all you.
        Just you and what you want, love.
        We have but one life. Stay strong and keep fighting for what you believe in.
        Maybe you’ll succeed, maybe you won’t.
        Life is too short. Go live a little.
        I know I should all philosophical and gooey but I was where you are now. Don’t give up.
        One last note. A friend. I wrote his essays and helped him with the entire admission process.
        He is in stony brooke right now and last week I hear he lost it. (You know)….
        So chill. Things will work out.
        We are but young.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The Brain of Chintu · May 24, 2016

        Oh myy goddd thanksss fr the support matee reallyy i knww i am nt disheartened and my parents are happy but idk i have tht fear of the unknown like maybe wht i wnt to do is nt right or maybee this is a mistake idk
        Well i want to become a writer/journalistt and i would love to go to new york one day
        What do u wanna do or did or doing??

        Like

      • thewallandthem · May 24, 2016

        Email me here. 🙂
        aitijya.sarkar@gmail.com

        Like

      • The Brain of Chintu · May 24, 2016

        Yaa fine!!!! 🙂 thanks doe

        Like

  5. pratham · May 26, 2016

    hi didi me pratham u write beautifully how do u get des ideas

    Like

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