Segregate your Social Media

These days everyone uses social media and if for some reasons you don’t use social network please lift up that rock, cut your beard and step out in the modern world! This sprawling social network and an update for every little thing have made keeping up with social media harder than keeping up with the Kardashians.

So,let me walk you trough the lane of infinite cat posts, food porn, real porn, immense advertisement and your cousins’ success and tell you how to segregate your social media.

First and foremost, the daddy of all social platforms is the Facebook; everyone knows that each of our family members is present in that blue box keeping an eye on everything you do, whatever you like and whomever you poke. Everyone let me repeat everyone is on Facebook; to keep a clean front before your relatives you have to filter your post: whatever you post must go through the Indian censor board, your morals and of course valencia and after that you better choose a perfect caption bonus likes for “I won a medal” or “dinner with Obama”. Remember, there is always an uncle just lurking in your timeline ready to comment some bull crap and kill you of embarrassment your duty here is to be clean just enough to keep that uncle away from your comment box. Also, never remove tags, it is your duty to take that kind of burden on your shoulders and move on! Always…always…ALWAYS post a picture of your success even if it just buying a new iPhone.

Never ever never ever post a picture with the opposite sex, buddy trust me when I say you are not ready to take the kind of criticism and your mother is not ready to receive calls of aunties who is asking “is your daughter marrying?”. if you still want to post a kissy picture with your significant other BLOCK! and miss out on your relatives funny make-up face pictures, your loss!

Second social media is the Whats App which is a messaging app with all the contacts in your phone who are allowed to see your over emotional status and your extra filtered picture but the twist begins when your real brother pushes you under the bus and gives your number to the “family group” and the admin of the group mostly the uncle is more than happy to include you in the family shenanigan so you, my dear, with shaky hands give him your number and get add to the multicultural group where people post pictures of their outings, inappropriate jokes (which only you understand because you are a pervert) and random posts of rumors like “sky is falling” (sky will fall if you exit this group). There is just death from that point on so sit back relax and watch your phone have a seizure. Do change your display picture from sexy shorts to a potato sack and also keep your thumbs in control because nobody wants to read the crap you wanna say to your beloved.

Enough of the family drama lets migrate to somewhere breezy,somewhere where there is glamor and pictures of perfection make you wanna kill yourself. I am talking about the Instagram and Snapchat! the usage of these apps is a little pricey and your one week constrained 100 MB data pack won’t be able to handle the stress but all if you have WiFi: first, I hate you and second, you are given the power to enter this beautiful world where you will know what is actually happening in the world, the trends , the fashion and most importantly Kim Kardashian. Good news is you can make money out of Instagram if you have a good camera and a private jet.

Life in Snapchat is only 24 hours long so post whatever you want people will just scrunch their nose, but do you even care about the haters? Some daredevils will screenshot but they are your fans. Use clever captions and be a star. Follow Gigi Hadid, with her you will get a daily dose of Zayn too.

Last but certainly not the least is Twitter this blue bird is free as well, post whatever you want. It is just you and a stranger with weird username, utterly stupid trends and mega nonsense hashtags and if you are in a fandom then go bananas tweet about your favorite star and flood his timeline with “follow me” tweets, you are free and you are reckless.

So this was my guide as to how to segregate your social media follow these for better future don’t follow these for still better future and keep socializing!

I forgot about Orkut.


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